I need to learn how to not be so hard on myself.
Yeah right.
I am probably the most organized person I know. I’m not crazy anal or anything, and I’m not ODC or whatever, I just have this fairly strict sense of things I need to do in a specific amount of time because I’m a fucking adult and I have things that need to get done. There’s always Something. I’m always doing Something. (Just a side note: this specific amount of time is a week. I don’t know why it’s a week, it’s just the way of things. I live circularly. I write circularly I guess it just makes sense.)
The things (Somethings) that need to get done are all pretty straightforward: Kids have to go to school. That means there’s laundry and lunches to be prepared, which means trips to the grocery store on a schedule (every Sunday and Thursday). That also means doctors appointments, dentist and orthodontist appointments, homework checkups, and the occasional ride to orchestra or home from swim practice. There’s meal planning for the week for the entire family and daily mandatory house cleaning because if I don’t keep up it all goes to hell real fast. Then of course there’s work–real actual day job work, and even though I’m fortunate to have a job that I don’t have to bring home, it’s still nine hours (sometimes ten depending on traffic) that’s being taken up by Something. And then of course there’s the thousand little things, feed the cats, check the litter box, check to make sure there’s litter and food for the cats in the first place–oh and also are there paper towels?
Weekends are family time, bath time, take the kids swimming, D&D with the youth group etc.
Something.
There’s always Something going on, so when I get a few hours to relax or a little “break to write” I’m usually not in the correct headspace to do that. I end up watching anime or binge-watching Midnight Mass (highly recommended btw), or writing a fucking blog post, and I don’t get to that chapter because fuck it’s hard and I don’t want to go back to that scene where I couldn’t figure out why the dialogue isn’t working, and why am I not just focusing on audiobook narrating because it seems to be going better and it’s easier to get jobs that actually pay?
I get really mad at myself if a week goes by and all my time is taken up by Somethings I had to get done and I didn’t have any time to work on my current writing project. Which is a fucking stupid thing to think because there’s always a little extra time. I’m just not always managing it perfectly. There’s always a few hours here and there I could be devoting to placing my ass in my chair and staring at Word. But I’m watching brilliantly written vampire shows and k-pop videos and scrolling through Pinterest for The Raven Cycle fan art because I. Like. It.
And see, that’s what I’m talking about. I spend fifty plus hours a week devoted to work, and then also have to do all this prep for the kids and school, meals, laundry, cleaning, pet care, exercising–Jesus H Christ the list just goes on–and then I expect myself to just be a robot and work some more. Like hours and hours more. No down time needed, writing is fun, we love writing. Writing IS downtime.
Most weeks I do it. Most weeks I’m an exemplary fucking human being, spitting up 12K, sometimes 15K words on top of all this other living and Somethings I do. (Real talk: it’s not all usable. Maybe I keep 8K on average?) And sometimes I get ALL that shit done AND I narrate a fucking audiobook as well. Hell yeah, I’m a machine.
I’m sure this is some kind of trauma. This is probably leftovers from being pressured to be perfect all the time and toss everything that even slightly smells of Second Best.
I really wish I could just chill the fuck out. I want to have a few weeks (months would be nice) of not stressing out over not losing weight, or not writing the best novel ever, or ah fuck I wanted to go to that thing but I’m too tired so I’m a fucking failure of a friend.
I think I actually do a pretty good job. Most of the time.
It’s just once in a while, there’s a lot of Somethings. And I can’t fit in the somethings I want unless I risk burning out. I need to just chill, and think about how many important Somethings I do get done every day. The other somethings will still be around when I have time and the brainpower. I just need to be kinder to myself. I need to be okay with vegging out and watching Squid Game.
I need a fucking vacation.
Sam Stark 